Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

accurate

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.