Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

Not now. I’m deglazing.

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.