If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
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Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.