If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
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Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street