If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
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I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
The Book. The Movie.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Gods work.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
what’s really going on
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about