If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
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Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I have so many questions.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Grew big
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.