if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
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If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Ion see the issue
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost