if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
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‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
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They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.