Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.