If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
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An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
me at the job i begged god for
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish