Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

For when Tinder doesn’t work

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.