If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
You Might Also Like
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird