If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
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Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
due date
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle