@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

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@3sunzzz

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

@justmiche74

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

@better_off_dad

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

@rickolantern

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

@RackOfSteel

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

@TheBoydP

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

@UnFitz

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.