If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses