If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
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Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
[eats all your cotton candy]
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
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