Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Sending in my taxes

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?