If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
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SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?