Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

I hope this email punches you square in the face

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers