Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

[shakes fist at other fist]

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us