if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
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the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.