if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
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I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Growing out my freckles.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
#Caturday
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
