If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
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We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?