Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you