If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
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vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Batman v Dracula
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to