If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
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What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁