No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
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You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Incredible customer service.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
real
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*