boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
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Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
pictures of spider-man
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.