If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
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I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
What the hell happened here.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest