If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
You Might Also Like
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.