If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
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me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em