If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
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I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again