If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
You Might Also Like
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
lol
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.