parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
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date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice