@gwatts77

If ignorance is bliss then explain Facebook.

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@ericsshadow

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

@AbbieEvansXO

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

@CloydRivers

If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It’s science.

@twylaredsun

Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.

@_sweet_ham

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

@offbeatoliv

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

@JohnLyonTweets

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

@FlyJ_

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

@BunAndLeggings

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.