If ignorance is bliss then explain Facebook.

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Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.


Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]


If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It’s science.


Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.


Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.


Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.


Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.


I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.


My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.