If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
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Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
u spoke cat all this time??????
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
2022: I can fix it
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells