If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity
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“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party