Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.