If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
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A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Tuesday
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
