Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.