Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep