If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
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just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
we’re gonna need another temp
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
