Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman