If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
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You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Ghost costume 😂
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”