If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
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Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
This kid is a star!
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
mechanics be like
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.