@Kateness8

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

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@writeden

I would probably be in a gang right now if I could stay up past 10pm.

@meganamram

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

@stockejock

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

@TheHyyyype

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

@slyoung5

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

@Parkerlawyer

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

@of_a_genepool

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

@pauleggleston

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.