If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
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‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes