if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
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i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.