Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza