Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.