If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
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If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*