Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

Only short people can save us

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

Get off of twitter and pay attention to me

Netflix, probably

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.