If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
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2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts