Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

oh you like architecture? name three walls

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.