If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Pass gas, not judgment.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
The “research” scene in every horror movie