Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?

Me: Yes

S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.