If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
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My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.