Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

BETRAYAL

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.