Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

based al yankovic

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.