If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
You Might Also Like
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
So sick of all these stupid rules
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly