If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
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When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I’m already scared
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.