Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

Eating for two.

can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites