If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
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“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
when dads have a rap battle
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?