If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
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I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
good morning
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don鈥檛 want no trouble.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I鈥檓 writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
everyone make a new friend so you don鈥檛 get assigned to David
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma鈥檃m, but you still can鈥檛 bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband鈥檚 code.
They鈥檙e working together, we鈥檙e in trouble.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 馃拃
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I don鈥檛 think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom鈥檚 bed: sweetie where鈥檇 you go? we鈥檙e gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don鈥檛 tell her im here
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?