Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

That de-escalated quickly

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…