if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
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shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?