Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

#parenting

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.