If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
You Might Also Like
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.