If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
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COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.