Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt