Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

Very good! 👍😂

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

pictures of spider-man

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?