Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet