Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free