if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
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wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.