if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
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my name if I was in the mob
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit