if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips
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[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”