if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips
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when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.