Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

So, can we agree on 4 or

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry