If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
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Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
oh u like geography? name every lake
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra