Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.