Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids