If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
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CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
lmfao
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.